Hurray! nothing Works!

If you are wondering whether I have gone crazy, then you are quite right. Day before yesterday I had a very disturbed sleep. The only thoughts circulating in my mind were: first, whether I will be able to answer the volley of questions asked by the panel; second and more importantly, how will I convince the panel that I did put in genuine hard work but could not get any results.

Confused! Let me put matters in context. I had enrolled for an Independent Study project under Dr. Banerjee. Despite my best possible efforts under the various time and energy constraints, I got no results whatsoever. Zilch! Yesterday, I went to IIT prepared for the worst. There were other dual degree / B. Tech students making last minute changes to their code / presentations. All of us wrote our names, batchwise, on a paper. I was told there would be certain ordering in which names would be called out. As per that ordering, I was to be the last to present.

M. Tech students finish giving their presentations. Time for B. Tech students to present; but my name gets called out. I start the presentation and quickly move over to explain Kruppa equation and Modulus constraint methods. Thanx to Phani, I included these at the last minute. I tell that I implemented all methods but failed; also give some insight into why I failed. Fortunately, Dr. Banerjee is supportive. He tells that for the methods explored, it was more or less expected. Best part, the other profs in the panel dont ask much questions. Dr. Banerjee is also impressed with my presentation style (slideshow wise). Whats more, he remarks, that this is good work for an independent study. That made my day. I had got nothing to show, but things still worked out pretty well.

But what happened after that, was quite unexpected. Almost all students get “flayed” for not putting in good effort. Even though it did not matter much to me, it did make me realize how lucky I was. God seems to have graced me during the presentation, even though I would have really appreciated if He had graced me earlier too ;). Anyways the good part is that semester is over and I will get a much needed break. I am not bothered about what grade I get. Immediate goal is to get some results and do justice to Dr. Banerjee’s faith and support.

Lessons from Fashion

Yesterday night I watched the movie Fashion. And I was simply bowled over by it. I found everybody's performance superb, the music was great and the direction awesome. But this is not a movie review. Instead, I very much empathized with the protagonist, Meghna Mathur, and realized that there were lessons to be learnt (even though everything out there was fictional).

Like the protagonist, I have experienced highs and terrible lows in a short span of last one year. The good run started with me purchasing a bike last September. I then secured an admission in MS program @ IIT-D. My driving skills vastly improved; I made a good start to MS program and secured a decent GPA in the first semester, managed my finances well to buy a good laptop, wrote two great back to back skits for KalaKriti (even after one of them got rejected for stage enactment). Life could not have been better. It was perfect. I planned and things fell in place perfectly.

And then came the downturn in my life. I was caught unaware and have since been reeling from it. Around mid July, I unknowingly injured myself and could not raise my left hand even till shoulder level. A few weeks later, I could walk only with a horrible limp and sometimes needed support from others. Few other events could be more devastating for a person than sitting on a wheelchair at the age of 25 and being pushed around by a 55 year old father. And this was just the beginning. I rejoined office. Gaurav left the company, and the already delayed project sagged further. I made extremely slow progress with my MS course work and got near zero results despite sincere efforts. What's more, my laptop and even my clothes iron stopped working. It felt like my life had been jinxed. Repeated failures at my technical tasks, deviations from achievable timelines and lack of valid explanations for the failures further punctured my confidence, if any was left.

This is where the film touched me the most. The protagonist was completely devastated by the turn of events and her loss of control over her life. Her shattered confidence did not allow her to pursue anything. Only with the encouragement of her near and dear ones, was she able to return to her line of work. She had to start from scratch, face embarrassing situations, in terms of facing people whom she had let down or who had let her down. Despite these, and the personal and professional failures that she encounters once again, she perseveres and does not get bogged down. My confidence has not been shattered but it felt like I was heading at a steady pace to that critical point. At points I did consider the option of giving up my job and / or MS course work. My parents' daily words of encouragement helped in my sagging morale not deflating further, but nothing more. Lack of any harsh response from my colleagues or professors at my failures just added to the guilt. I knew that I was on my way down.

Surprisingly, a film taught me lessons, that I had heard umpteen times and could otherwise recite any time of the day but did not understand. I just had to give my 100 % at anything I did. Success or failure should not upset me. Getting upset would only make matters worse. Of course it is humanely impossible not to get upset, but you can help yourself lighten the impact. In retrospection, I can now say that the last few months might have been the worst yet, but they were worth it.

Finally, I can recall a conversation I had with Phanindra. I dont remember the context but I happened to say, "I am at the worst point of my life. Things cant get worse than this." To which he instantly replied, "Thats good for you. It means things can only get better. Good time is round the corner." The good time has come. Amen.

Lekha (Ansh 2)

Placements season for our seniors was good but not terrific. It was so not because our seniors were not good but because IIIT was still in the nascent stages and people in the industry did not know about IIIT. So when our placement season was round the corner all of us were nervous. Nervous because we were a larger batch and in some ways not as smart as our seniors. One of the initiatives (dont remember whose idea) was to prepare a CD, showcasing IIIT's talent, and circulate among the HR of the various companies. Kopos (Shashank) and others worked extensively in preparing this CD. I also wanted to make some contribution and again I used the power of writing. I wrote the lines that appear at the beginning of the multimedia content that was finally prepared. I dont have a copy of that CD and I guess nobody else has, but here are the lines:

Make a difference and conquer the world,
Out of school aspires the free bird,
But which institute to go, not know many,
It should be one, whose vision outbeat other any.

-------- A variation that I had written first --------

To conquer the world, enterprising and superfluous zeal,
To companies are qualities which strongly appeal,
But which institute to go, not know many,
It should be one, whose vision outbeat other any.

Uphaar

I was in my first year when Akka got married around seven years ago. Then I was definitely not as independent as I am now. But I am sure I was just as dumb or maybe dumber. Even though she got engaged in December and her marriage was in March, I could not think of anything to gift her. Mummy and Daddy selected some items which were to be gifted in my name. And yes I needed their help - in the worst case financially - to give Akka a marriage gift. But what surprises me now is that I could not think of anything to gift her. Nothing at all! Probably I was really really dumb. Or not so after all. When I am not able to think of something better, I fallback to my worst case options : writing poems. Plus point is that my poems are mostly successful in touching the person for whom they are written. And above all I dont have to pay for it ;). So here is the poem that I gifted to Akka and Bawa on their marriage.

Dear Kumar, my brother-in-law,
The term (brother-in-law) is big and that's a flaw.
A shorter, cuter name is BIL (brother-in-law),
But shall call you so, only if you will.

Thought of gifts ideal, but wildly,
Some weren't appealing, some were costly,
The gift I give, is not thought of well,
But the next time I give, it shall be very special.

Oh! But I did forget one thing,
Proudly I say, that I do bring,
And present to you, my sister as your bride,
What a better gift could you ask and could I provide.

Mitra

I wrote this poem on 6th December 2002. My fifth semester at college had or was about to end. I had already formed a special bond with these guys and had learned various qualities from them. Looking back, I cant help myself but thank myself that I wrote this poem ;). Though it does not (and I myself never can) describe their qualities or my feelings about them in words, the poem does state one thing very clearly: These guys are my best friends and I am very lucky to have them around. So, here it is.

Searched for friends hither and thither,
Since life without them was boring and bitter.
Joining IIIT did I hardly realize,
That it would be a blessing in disguise.

But still devoid remained the space,
Far and everywhere, I ran my gaze.
Fool that I was, I did not recognize,
Since those friends were right in front of my eyes.

Behave like a child and like one he play,
This is the guy who is called Vijay.
Talk about his friends and Chennai, day and night,
Argues he, till one accepts that he is right.

One might wonder, what he is good about,
But surely I can add here without a doubt,
He has immense patience and a heart of gold,
I love his trademark actions and to others when he scold.

Pramod for me was initially a mystery,
A cool guy, was always on the lookout for a party.
But when assignment submission or exam time descend,
He fires you with questions and nervous he tend.

But he crack sharp and witty jokes, night and day,
In the immensely tense moments, it helps me keep at bay.
And hate I that he was and is still so lazy,
But that it rubbed off my shoulders, I am happy.

The next guy in line is dear Kishore,
No matter how much cricket is there, he always asks for more.
Think he melodrammatically sing the songs,
When will he stop, is what everybody longs.

Unimaginable theories he come up with, by different things he link,
Sometimes makes me wonder, 'How does this guy think?',
He maintains high spirits and cares for one and all,
I know he will be there, when for help I call.

Excited he gets about anything, good or bad,
Vamsi is the name of this young lad.
Claims he not to study and sleep all day,
Thorough that he is, he teases us all and merrily play.

Sticks to his views, no matter what one say,
Attitude though sometime wrong, would like to have someday.
Terrific is his confidence and his curiosity insatiable,
Always do wonder, "When would I have these available?".

Concious of security is Kumar, the guy next door,
Keeps checking to see, if locked are the windows and doors.
Asks me to wake him early, though sleep he late in night,
Wake he never, but ask he again, no matter how much I argue or fight.

Enjoy I when he makes pun,
Time spent with him is always fun.
While talking with him, even my humour ooze,
Worries me the thought, that such a friend I might lose.

There are others, write about whom and let pages fill,
But unfortunately, I am limited by my writing skill.
Bored you might have become, so last statement I make,
Hope this is a beautiful dream, from which I never awake.

Janam din

This post contains the poems and sher o shaayarin that people were generous enough to express on my last birthday. These are very special, not only because they are extremely good in quality, but also because of the effort that was spent in writing them. I still remember that I was upset about something the previous evening. And the upsetting mood persisted during the next morning (despite early wishes from Mom, Dad and others) . However reading these lines erased all negative thoughts and made it one of the best days that I remember. So here are the lines.

----------------- The first one by Gaurav -----------------

Your friends from KSPL and KSS
Have all gathered here
To celebrate this day
Together we will say.....

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
May all your dreams and wishes come true
Happy birthday to you

Another year has gone
Since last we sang this song
We all remember when
And so we sing again...

May good fortune come to you
In all the things you do
In the year that lies ahead
Remember what we said.......

You are the one we will never forget !!!

----------------- Next one by Piyush -------------------

Aaj,
Jab failta andhiyaara raat ke aagman ki pushti kare,
Jab dheere dheere har insaan apne ghar ko lautne lage,

To aise mein ,
KSPL mein kisi ek desk pe,
Maddham raushni ke tale,
Key board ki tak takahat sunaayi na de,

Bhale hi kaam ka kitna bojh ho kandhon par,
Vinti hai aaj tum jaldi ghar laut jaana,
Aye Kartik, kam se kam aaj "Night out" office mein mat maarna :)

----------------- And then by Apurva -----------------

Shaayeron ki mehfil hain jamin , Bandha hai nagmo ka sama,
Sur ghul rahe hain fiza mein, geeton ka kaafila utha,
Aise mein koi kyun chup rahe, har dil hai jhoomne laga,
Aye Kartik, tumhen dete hain duyaaein jo aaj yeh geeton ka guldasta saja!!!

----------------- And a variant by Apurva -----------------

Shaayeron ki mehfil hain jamin , Bandha hai nagmo ka sama,
Sur ghul rahe hain fiza mein, geeton ka kaafila utha,
Aise mein koi kyun chup rahe, har dil ka chhupa shaayer jaagne laga,
Aye Kartik, tumhen dete hain duyaaein jo aaj yeh geeton ka guldasta saja!!!

---------------- Again by Piyush ------------------

Har shaks mein ek shaayar chhupa hota hai,
Is baat par ab humein yakeen hai,
Ek zamaana ho chala tha aisee mehfil ka lutf liye,
Humein kya pata tha aap bhi "shaayari" ki shaukeen hain ;)

---------------- Finally, my thank you's ---------------

Shaayarin main hum bayaan nahi kar sakte,
Utna hunar hum main nahi,
Alfaaz hum bhi likhenge,
Aaj nahi to kabhi aur sahi.

--------------------------------------------------------

Those lines were special,
No need to say,
Better than any gift I could imagine,
They made my day.

While reading those beautiful lines,
One thought struck my mind,
Hope soon come the day,
When I can gift back in kind.

-------------------------------------------------------

Lekha (Part 1)

The fact that I have not been writing on this blog niether means that my life is going gr8 (in the context of previous blogs) nor that I plan to discard this blog. Simply put, I have lost interest in a lot of things, including writing. So for the net few blogs I will follow a rather "useful" approach. I will post my previous poems or writings on the blog. The description "useful" is not to be interpreted as making my previous writings useful by posting them here. Rather the blog would be useful in preserving the writings. Hopefully, Google servers would not crash or would be backed up to handle such scenarios.

So below is a poem which I had written as a tribute to Dipinder when he left the company (in full time capacity) for higher studies:

Formed a special bond with KritiKal,
First time I heard just the name.
And once I joined KritiKal,
I knew I had caught the right train.

Deadlines, ever demanding clients and that ugly bug,
Only at the last minute which would come,
Did sometime make me feel terrible,
But then the adventure was always fun.

What do you like about KritiKal?
Ask they would searchingly.
Work, culture and freedom, I would bellow,
As the answer was quite obvious for all to see.

Not the above, but the people around you, is who matter,
Did it finally dawn,
When I came to know,
That Dipinder would be shortly gone.

I could fill reams describing your qualities,
But I will not describe thee,
Because the same words I use to express myself,
When used to describe you, will limit me.

God has blessed you,
With the powers to bless others,
May you bring about the positive changes, as in us,
With all you interact in your endeavors.

It was a pleasure to work with you,
And I hope we do work again,
But even if we don't, pray I to God,
Friends forever we do remain.

Adbhuta anubhav

It's been a li'l more than a fortnight since the last blog, but it felt like ages. I guess I have lots of things still going inside my brain that need an outlet. Or it could simply be a consequence of the fact that I have been spending more sleepless nights in office than snugly sleeping at home. And I need a break badly. But, I guess this is just the beginning (the night outs). My MS Research course at IIT has just started to take off. And I will have to spend several more nights @ office to compensate for office work and also keep up with the course load. I guess this is something that I will have to live with, until I dont consider it as "something" or I stop to live. So lets move on to something more interesting.

The month from mid December '07 to mid January '08 had been quite exciting. I underwent a lot of experiences; both good and bad. Infact if allowed to put it a bit dramatically, it was like living a Bollywood film. Of course, there was no romance, as I first need to get out of office to be able to find a girl. But yes, it had all the other elements of a movie. Humble beginnings, sweat and toil, betrayal, a sad turn and then a new beginning. Quite a deal, right! So lets get started.

As you might have guessed, I am the central character (no, not the hero) of the whole episode. Why? Because all these ideas originated in my head and since I am the writing right now. It all started, not in December, but back in June-July'07. August was approaching and members of KalaKriti, the cultural club at office, were trying to figure out what to perform on the Annual Day. Since I am good with the pen, or consider myself to be so, I penned a short skit. The theme of the skit was Marriage. Most of us @ office are bachelors and for many, marriage is just round the corner. The skit focussed on how people's outlook differs before and after marriage. To give due credit, Atul had suggested that a play, if executed, should be such that there is not much movement involved and is mostly discussion oriented. Also, Piyush was the one who came up with the idea of a play around the Marriage theme. It was me who combined both the ideas and came up with a skit.

Ofcourse, the skit was silently vetoed by KalaKriti members. It was only when I asked Phani, did he tell me that the skit appeared to be performance oriented and due to lack of time was difficult to enact. Was not sure whether I should take this as a complement or not! Instead, Akhilesh performed a standup comic act which was quite entertaining. Cant call it a play because other characters were just "fitted in" to make it look like a play! That was the very reason why I wrote the play in the first place.

Time moves on and so December came around. KalaKriti again started to conduct meetings to discuss on what to perform for New Year bash. Unaware of the details, I thought of giving another shot at skit writing. The skit was essentially based on interactions that happened in office. The central characters were Gaurav and me and in some ways the skit highlighted our nature and transformation. It was a light hearted pun and a symbol of my confidence in Gaurav; that he would take it in the right spirit. This time though KalaKriti did like the idea and I became an integral part of the team, at least for a short period. Copying the line from "Pursuit of Happyness", this period of my life is called "Humble beginning".

The original skit was modified as it was centred around Gaurav and my interactions. Instead the central theme was changed to importance of a girl in office. We depicted how office used to be when there was no girls. And then what changes came about once a girl joined. The play was spiced up. We decided to perform spoofs on all possible people at office. Preparations were near systematic. We used to have a meeting almost every alternate day. We started of by planning out the exact scenes and then the dialogues. Only place where we fell short of time was enacting out the scenes :-).

And now starts the period called "Sweat and toil". Thanks to motiviation of the entire team, we did that too in a flat 4 hours. We enlisted the characters that had to be enacted and the man/woman power available. We applied a conflict avoidance algorithm and then assigned roles as per skills. Shishir had been briefed a day before on on what the scenes were. We went through the narration script that he had penned and provided him inputs for further refinement. Rana and Rohit were also dragged into the play at the last minute, as we were short of people. We did 2-3 rehearsals of each scene and we were kinda ready. Everybody, Nehul, Piyush, Apurva, Gaurav and Phani improvised the scenes in those 4 hours. But it was Tarun who stole the show. His motivation levels and creativity were mind blowing. Even though I was a bit harsh on him for digressing or spoiling the focus, looking back, I cant help but admire his spirit. Sometimes I feel if he were not there, the play would have been abandoned or would have been a mess.

The next day we went to Fun and Food village. We had loads of fun taking the rides. I would take a break after each ride, because my stomach made me feel queasy; then get on with the next ride. It was great fun, shouting and more shouting !!! Then we had lunch, which was followed by tug of war and a cricket game. And finally it was time to perform. Best part, we had the background music for the skit on Phani's mobile and we did not have mikes. Luckily Kapil's laptop saved the day. After trying to get around the intricacies of Vista and Nehul applying his engineering skills, we were able to transer the songs, both for skit and a dance performance, into the laptop. We had the dance performance by Apurva, Anurag, Nehul, Piyush and Tarun. Unfortunately, the music was getting cut in between. But like true professional the dance team ignored these effects and performed.

Finally, it was time to perform the skit. We were not sure whether a disclaimer has to be made or not. So, we had not asked Shishir to prepare one. However, we decided to go with the disclaimer and so at the last minute, Piyush told Shishir on what to say. Poor Shishir, he said the reverse of what was to be said. But infact it was good, the mood had been appropriately set. Shishir then started of with his awesome narration, which was in shudh Hindi. The scenes started rolling one by one. There were deviations from what had been planned the night before but nothing major fell out of line. The audience were thoroughly enjoying themselves and it gave immense pleasure to see the hard work finally transcend into something meaningful.

In the play we spoofed Nishant(t) to the maximum. In effect, his character did not have any dialogues. Instead only his customary (I could add pathetically) funny liners were used. Also, he insists on having the girl in his team and then there is also a dance sequence. Meticulous preparation was put into identifying the song, dance steps and portrayal of Nishant(t) (credit to Nehul/Tarun and Apurva). Thus, it is Nishant(t)'s character who gets to have the girl and who is the most sad when she leaves (in the skit). Once the skit was over, an apology was tendered. Gaurav asked Nishant(t) to say something. I felt Nishant(t) was in a state of shock during and after the play, since he did not say anything for a minute or two. And then I got the shocker. He said that he was getting married and that too to Apurva. It was only after Apurva went and stood beside him that he was talking about our Apurva. It was a real surprise. Two minutes after the play ended, it was unfolding in reality.

And in quick succession follow the periods of "betrayal", "sad turn" and "new beginning". My surprise turned into horror within 10 minutes. Piyush announced that he knew long back that this was to happen and that is why the skit was directed in the manner it was. And Gaurav and Nehul were also party to the secret. It was now, Nishant(t)'s and Apurva's to be surprise as I think they had kept the news of their marriage under tight wraps. But as far as I was concerned, I felt cheated and manipulated. I would have been happier had I not been around when Piyush/Nehul and Gaurav were boasting of their knowledge. I felt like a fool; all the time spent in thinking what the scenes and dialogues would be, trying to come up with something different/creative. There was no point in expending so much effort when what was to be depicted was pre-decided.

I was extremely angry for the next two days and then sadness prevailed. I used to think that I was now part of the group. I never used to involve myself in the coffee outings or the senseless gossip that takes on a near daily purpose. But during the course of my interactions for the skit I started feeling as a part of the group. I used to feel that they would atleast let me know about any pranks that they were planning or had performed etc. In retrospection, thinking like this was quite foolish. I guess, the strong desire to be part of the group coupled with the betrayal that I percieved make me think so.

Anyways, it was a good lesson. There is no point getting upset about trivial issues like these. Of course, even today I would love to be involved. But if it is not meant to be so, then so be it. And with this new lesson, I have made a new beginning. I have stopped trying to decipher coded messages that keep flying around. If somebody wants to let me know of something, they could do so in plain simple language. If no, then it is none of my business to poke around. Hopefully, this new outlook will keep me sane for some time longer.

Praarambha

Finally, the moment has arrived. I created this blog account almost four months back. Since then, I have not been able to write even the first blog for various reasons. But now I have made a start and hopefully it will not be the very end :-). Atleast not so soon.

Why blog? And more importantly, why now? I am one of those who would prefer to stay away from computers as much as possible. I usually dont chat, dont log into social networking sites and whenever possible avoid even e-mail. No! I am not scared of computers. I have been interfacing with them for more than seven years, and around 8 hrs a day for the last 3 years. I guess this is the cause of my aversion. So the questions, why blog and why now become even more intriguing. Simple answer: Of late, my brain has been barraged by ideas, perceptions, views and what not. As it is, the poor thing works overtime. And now with the multitudinous experiences that I am encountering on a daily basis, soon it might short circuit.

Things are not as bleak as they sound. Many of the experiences have been quite entertaining and sometimes refreshing too. It is just the processing of the experiences that is taking a toll. And since I do stare at the compace (computer's face; why not create my own lingo, when I am at it) for so many hours, why not sit another half an hour and unburden my poor brain? That's it. Four months after I created a blog account, I am enlightened that I should start using it. And so here I am, read to ram!!!

Now that I am clear with the reasons, let me explain the titles. The title of this blog account and the title of this particular piece. First, the title of this particular blog: Praarambha is a Sanskrit word meaning motivated beginning. I genuinely want it to be good start and so the title (Note: aarambh means beginning, but the motivational factor is missing :-)).

Now, let's move over to the title of the blog account, Kaalatraya. Kaalatraya is a composition of two Sanskrit words, Kaala and Triya. Kaala means time and Triya means three. Thus, the composition of the two words, Kaalatraya, means the three states of time - past, present and future. I dont want this account to be a chronology, nor do I want it to be scratchpad for expressing my current feelings or takes on the future. I want it to be a time machine that moves back and forth as per my mood swings. If it does not sound logical, cant help it. Repeating the statement for the umpteenth time; I created this account four months back and now I have forgotton the exact reasons for choosing this name ;-).