Super ego

I have always considered myself to be an average student. Even, if concepts used to bounce off my head, I would diligently attend classes, hoping that one day lightning would strike and I would be enlightened. Clearing exams never used to be a issue. Rather, the major headache used to be with securing an A grade.

However, the foundations of this misconception (of being an avg student) were jolted when I enrolled for MS Research program at IIT Delhi. Every course that I have done over the past 3 semesters demonstrated how woefully ill-prepared I was for the courses. And that too, after having graduated from one of the premiere institutes of the nation. It was not just the lack of concepts, which is still excusable. Rather, it was the absence of appreciation of the fundamentals and inability to apply these during problem solving.

During the last semester, I did a course on Advanced Algorithms. The course instructor was Dr. Naveen Garg; and his style of teaching was just awesome. In fact, attending has classes has rekindled an interest in Algorithms and Data structures (subjects, I used to stay away from). Unlike several other profs. who taught by rote, he used to actually work out the algorithms / derivations in the class. Several times he would get stuck during a derivation; he would ask us for our inputs and collectively we tried to figure things out. And when we were really stuck, he would say that it's time to "cheat"; he would refer the textbook and we would proceed.

The best part, though, were the exams. Every time, I was able to attempt only a maximum of 50% of the questions, but it used to be gratifying. The questions really tested your grasp of concepts and required clever jugglery of ideas. However, attempting half the paper does not translate into equal ratio of marks. In fact, in the minor exams, I was able to secure at best 35% marks.

I started having nightmares of whether I would clear the course or not. I badly wanted to clear the course since I was sick of my semi-weekly visits to IIT for attending classes. I did not want to continue with the same hectic schedule for another semester. But more importantly, I have never failed a course in my entire life! I just could not let myself fail. My ego would not allow it. My super ego, which had been pampered by undeserving grades secured through uncompetitive exams, could not have taken it.

Fortunately, I got this realization quite early and tried to address the problem from multiple directions. On the one hand, I started mentally preparing for the worst and on the other hand, I started preparing a strategy to ensure that I cleared the paper. Strategy part of the preparation included identifying which subject areas to focus on, how much time to devote on a question, how to present if I am not able to work out the solution etc.

Luckily, I scored well in the majors - relative to class and my previous standings. However, there was this feeling that I did not do justice to the subject. I prepared a contingency plan and thankfully it worked out. Today, I am not confident that I will be able to attempt and solve some of the same questions, even after refreshing my concepts. My ego, though not as bruised as had I failed, has certainly been bumped. I plan to and certainly will work on my basics (including 12th class mathematics) and aim to reach a level where I am brazenly confident. Till then, I would rather continue preparing and reminding myself of the fact that I am a failure who has been lucky until now.